Call me Captain Contramental.... Please

These days my e-ego has taken a massive battering. I would start with the basics to make matters simpler. And the context as well to make it more comprehensible. The other day, I was trudging across Band Stand when I chanced upon a long lost friend. “Dude, where have you been? What have you been upto? And who is this little angel with you?” I ask pointing to the child accompanying him. And with a puff on his Benson and Hedges he declared that he has been making Mumbai “a better place” by being the McKinsey consultant with the city municipality and that he was not only ideating but implementing as well, contrary to beliefs (I never had a belief, I just know!). And that the angel with him was his girl friend’s niece, whom he just adores (The sucker has been baby sitting, and doesn’t even realize, since love is blind… (wow the analytical consulting bug in me… yippee)…Poor soul!).

And then came the questions that shattered me. “Uncle, do you have an orkut account?” “Yes, I do,” came the solemn answers. “How many friends do you have?” chirped the child, “321 (I have these at the tip of my fingers, but ask me to define return on capital employed and ahem!)”. “Wow! And how many fans?” “12,” I blurped. “Oh that’s really less for 321 friends.” Now what was that supposed to mean. How was that a parameter of measurement.

That night I came down and carried out a combing operation on Orkut and these were the key takeaways:

1. 13 fans out of a friend list of 321 is a pretty abysmal count
2. The median of fan to friend ratio of females is around 1 to 9. For really attractive ones it can go upto 1 to 3
3. The same median for males is around 1 to 11 to 1 to 17. For hunks I have even seen 1 to 2 (we beat them guys!).

For me the ratio was bordering death by shame (1 to 26.75). Why did not I ever notice?

The conversation even took me and my friend to blogging and blog-e-brities and the scenario seemed equally bleak. Most run of the mill bloggers had at least 5 comments to each of their blogs. My archive had none and to top it all, most of my blogs had zero comments. Was my toil because of nothing? I mean blogging was supposed to give vent to the exasperated author in me because publishers refused to recognize my talent. Were they right? Confused and downright dejected, I decided to pay my friend a visit again and to have a consultant’s view to the same (come on McKinsey would not pay him the greens just for nothing). And over a pitcher at Deep Purple the following conversation ensued.

Me: Hi dude, tell me is the scenario really bleak?
Friend: Very

Me: Isn’t there any hope?
Friend: Yes there is.

Me: Please advise Guru.
Friend: Ok listen. I will first start with blogging. The secret of successful blogging lies in a statement once made by Neha Dhupia.

Me: (aghast) What!! (sigh! The effect of alcohol on a consultant)
Friend: Yeah! She had once famously remarked that the only thing that sells in Hindi cinema is SRK and sex. The same is the case with blogging. The only things that sells here is a heady cocktail of acerbic sarcasm mixed with the ability to laugh at your ownself or “insider tales” or e-celebrities who have taken to blogging after being celebrities in some other unrelated fields.

Me: (really interested now) What do you mean?
Friend: (Gulping his pint) Name some famous blogs that you go through.

Me: Greatbong, Sidin, India Uncut, gauravsabnis, youthcurry, rishtrader, quizislife etc etc.
Friend: Ok lets do some analysis now.

• Greatbong has been making you laugh with his sarcasms on Mithunism, Ganguly, maudlin family tales. So apply axiom 1
• Sidin started with the great ability to laugh at his own self and then has graduated to being a master story teller himself awaiting his new novel. Axiom 1 and 3.
• Amit Varma and Cricinfo go hand in hand and his pictures which are never published in the electronic media and jabs at "successful but unfit" captains make a potent mixture. Every bit of Axiom 2 and 3.
• Gaurav Sabnis took the battle to the pony tailed monster. Axiom 3.
• Ditto to youthcurry where you associate Rashmi Bansal and Jammag. Axiom 3 again.
• Rishtrader is your new age insta rich formula. Axiom 2

And so he gulped another pint with an air of so-you-see.

Me: Magnificient, awesome, true Mckinsey blood. So whats the way out.
Friend: Thank you

Me: So whats the way out?
Friend: Obviously the Mallika Sherawat way, when you have to make a mark amidst so many pretty damsels.

Me: Whats that supposed to mean! Shed off my clothes, write about sleaze? Yuck!
Friend: Urgh… I mean find a niche. Something that you think everyone will want to read.

Me: Dude, the only think that can create that amount of hype is an English translation of Mastram.
Friend: Yaar use some amount of creativity.

Me: Oh Ok.. so tell me something about Orkut as well.
Friend: Oh yes, that’s a graver problem. I mean that ratio needs serious repairing. Otherwise your confidence had it.

Me: Ya, I know. But what to do?
Friend: You can try one of the following two.
One find a coterie of your friends who have a similar ratio and each of you become the fan of all others.

Me: I have tried that already.
Friend: And?

Me: (Softly) I am by far the lowest.
Friend: Then you can try the testimonial tag for all and sundry and subtly ask them to be fans in the messages section.

Me: Eeks!! Too embarrassing.
Friend: (Putting a hand across me) Ya I know. Or the last is do what I have done.

Me: What?
Friend: Close your blog and erase your Orkut account before electronic dementia sets in you.

A pitcher of beer spent in vain!!!