Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Bengali Saga Continues

Finally somebody answers my beckon. And somebody whom the world sees and hears. But theres some archetypal maladies. Typical Bengali? Eh? Mr. Deb? But lets see what you have gone wrong and what you have not. But surely, I would first take this opportunity to refer to your article first. So here it is And here is what I had written some days back.

Mr. Deb writes in his article about Ganguly’s unBengali like nature. His warlike Aryanism is uncharacteristic to a Bengali who is known to be docile. And that his hostility on pitch is something that the average Bengali is not known for. Is that true? The underlying word here is “average”. But, which average man from any other part of the country has been known to be any better? We, at my office, had a lively conversation over today’s evening glass of tea, the results of which are thus. All other races other than the average Bengali has been clinically proved to have a pointed ambition / hunger for something else. The “average” North Indian for bureaucracy or the IAS, the “average” Maharashtrian for his neighbor’s flat, the “average” Tamil for his Kanjeevoram, the “average” Gujju for his bottomline and our average “Indian” from the length of flannels in what SRK wore in KBC to the number of fingers that had made contact with Greg Chappell’s butt at Bhubaneswar airport. Rarely seems to be the whose who of an ambition list to me.

Oh and more so. Mr. Deb writes that historically, the Bengali had been lost behind books and his shooting was just awry. Really so? Barring Mr. Kshudiram Bose (whose aim I find was the last bit of historical takeaway from that chapter. Yes, talk an attitude and a heart that knew not to balk, but, Mr. Deb that’s another story). From my limited knowledge I could give you some pertinent illustrations here.

The Laganesque fight for “your” freedom on a field could well match the heart of a certain Mohanbagan, ten members of an undivided Bengal who fought bare foot, and despite their “awry aim” went on to find the net.

A certain Aurobindo Bose who well before his Auroville days had been known to be one of the finest explosives supplier in this country shaking administrative buildings and English faith alike.

A certain Bengali who said a “No” to knighthood when the average Indian never cease to amuse for their love of global recognition. You shoot my country men and I piss on your awards, its that simple. (Remember, Mr. Deb, the person being spoken of could well have been the only knighted Indian till date).

Oh and Mr. Deb, your article comes on the eve of the birthday of a certain hero whom we have known to ostracize because of his un-Bengali nature (I did mention him in my archived article). The fact that he just made history in disguise is true of the innocuous nature of Bengalis. Is that what you want us to believe?

The fact that arrogance happens to be a salad that tastes best with salt, is the story that we take away quite strongly from the Ganguly episode. Here was a captain who refused to maintain an ethic and a discipline expected from a role model. Enter Chappell and made him eat dirt. And to make matters complex, he ceased to be in the machinations of the echelons of BCCI where the power struggle was plain thirsty for the blood of a scapegoat. And who better than Ganguly, especially when you had a captain in waiting whose voice could only be heard after multiple maginifications and who had a deep emotional touch with the “sugar” in-lands of India. The fact that Chappell did not care to maintain similar standards with all others is what made the story change complexion.

What transpired after that is stuff of legends, when, Ganguly scripted a demeanor, unheard of in Indian sporting chronicles. His resolve to get back became steelier and his labor stronger. Still, if he is supposed to be the stuff of yore, who form the backdrop of your story in which Ganguly is the protagonist, did you need 33 years of his life and 10 years of international career to inculcate within him just this?

And unbeknownst of the fact whether Ganguly finds a place in our history books, there was and will always lie a difference when you know that the reward of one could be greenbacks from cola giants,while for the people, you compare him with Mr. Deb, the choice could just be between a bullet or a nooze.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Professional Eavesdropping

[Breaking news on Contramental]

Just was part of an analyst conference call and being the profession that I am in, there is just one thing doing the round these days. Who will own the cutest puppy of India!

So here goes the minutes of the conversation, a tale of maudlin emotion, vendetta and jingoism. India’s time has arrived and they are giving it to the world, right from below, as our newest father in law says.

The parties involved include Mr. Arun Sarin (AS), Mr. Ravi Ruia (RR), Mr. Li Ka Shing (Li) and Mr. Anil Ambani (AA).

RR: Welcome gentlemen. This will be a very short call. But let me explain the agenda. According to a small round of discussion that I had with Li, Mr. Sarin if you are really interested in the puppy, you would have to cough up 25 bn now.

AS: (aghast) 25?? But why? That’s absurd

AA: Let me explain.

AS, Li: Who are you? What business do you have here? You are anyways not even in the DD process and doing rounds of North Block will do you no good.

AA: Oh, that’s because the whole context of this story started with my family friend.

RR: Mr. Sarin you will pay 25 bn of which a pro rated 20 will go to Li and the rest will come to me, Analjit and Asim.

Li and AS: (in unison): But why? That’s against fair price valuations.

RR: Valuations have long gone for a toss. Anilbhai’s dear old friend, the Bhishmapitamaha of India has opened our eyes. From now on we wont tolerate injustice to our fellow Indians. We will give it back to them.

AA: Yes, this is the price you have to pay for the debilitating attitudes by your fellow countrymen to our fellow Indians. Look at Amit, donning the mantle to bring them over to the other side. Despite the no mean achievement of being the biggest ‘landlord’ of Juhu (how I envy him!), despite the numerous scrutinies he has to face for walking to temples, for knowing nuances of proposing at Bollywood premieres, for not anchoring at the hot seat more because the damned phones have proved statistics wrong [link courtesy: Youthcurry] (I need to go back to Wharton for this) and least because of his health, for walking the fine balance between wife and son to make way for “crazy kiya re” bahu and last but not the least for having all Bollywood financers hogging for him in 2007 when India is "poised" to death by boredom with his bearded face staring out at them from everywhere…. 7 films is not a matter of joke… and still he finds time to inspire his countrymen.

Li: (confused) Who and how?

AA: Oh yes. You understand quite well. This is our response to Shilpa Shetty and Mallika. I mean how can you demean our goddesses.

Li: Shilpa! Ok that’s recent but, Mallika how?

AA: You forget Jackie Chan and what you meted out in ‘Myth’ to Mallika? A miniscule role albeit a princess and an even smaller dress. And on top of that you had the audacity to release the unaudited versions for just the international audience. And this Jade babe, should be taken to the dogs.. I mean "Paki" is preposterous, you are speaking of our avtar of Catwoman , not Reena Roy. (I am proud that Tina never took a liking for cricket matches!)

AS: Hey, but I am an Indian. You remember I am a Kgpian!! I even doled out some millions for my alma mater.

RR: (chuckles) Ya, but every dog has its day and this time its my pup’s.

[Click on phone, as analysts look at each other, aghast, with the ring tone in the background.... "You and I, in this beautiful world..."]

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Floral Retribution

Sanatan Mukherjee was sitting on his favorite easy chair on the balcony his third floor apartment reading the newspaper when he yelled out, “Kanti, make me a cup of tea, please,” and heard back “Haan Saab.” What he could not hear was the grumpy Kanti’s soliloquy. “Old man. Doesn’t have a work in the world except running errands on me.” Mr. Mukherjee’s story was the typical progeny of the new found Indian liberalization. His two sons had become “martyrs” at the altar of technology and had laid their heart and soul at the service of transforming mankind by a revolution called ‘software’. So there they were raking their brains over tiny pieces of code in far away Silicon Valley and trying to bolster American GDP. On their last trip home they had tried to show their homes on their snazzy laptops by a piece of engineering genius called Google Earth but which was far too miniscule than what Mr. Mukherjee’s 72 year old eyes could fathom. He was happy that his sons were doing well and he never forgot a doting word about them to all who cared to listen to him.

But, Mr. Mukherjee had his good and bad days. He was an influential mortgage officer at the biggest bank of his days and had been instrumental for roofs over many heads. One hot morning a certain Adrian D’Souza came to his office and flopped on the floor of sunstroke. Adrian was a failed builder. And he carried with him a huge burden of infamy, so much so that none of the banks of the city had agreed to finance his latest project, which he claimed to be a masterpiece. When, Mr. Mukherjee took his case to his credit committee, he was summarily dismissed. So he offered to be a personal guarantor for the loan. He was told that he would have to provide security tantamounting to one third of the project amount. The credit committee was completely perplexed. “But why do you want to support such a failure?” asked Mr. Bose, the head. “That’s because Sir, no one has ever touched my feet for anything.” “And what do you propose to provide as guarantee?” enquired Mr. Bose again. “My entire PF amount, gratuity and my wife’s ornaments,” said Mr. Mukherjee. Mr. Bose was aghast, “Do you realize that you might just be left with nothing?” “Yes sir,” said a confident Mukherjee.

Adrian never forgot this gesture. And when the project was completed, he came to Mr. Mukherjee’s house. He hugged Mukherjee and beamed, “Sir, today I have repaid all my loans. I am really indebted to you and bhabiji for all this.” Both Mukherjee and his wife were very happy for him. “You will be rich now, D’Douza.” “Yes sir,” said Adrian and blushed, “my flats are all booked out and you must come tomorrow with Bhabiji for a small ceremony. Tomorrow I hand over the keys to the occupants after a small celebration.” “Of course, we will,” they said in unison.

The Mukherjees reached at the designated time and saw the party had almost started. Adrian welcomed them at the gate and took them aside. “Bhabiji, I have to return something to you.” And then called out, “Mr. Bose, can you please come here?” “Bhabiji, here’s your ornaments and Sir here’s your retrials. I do not know what would have happened to me had you not been there.” Mr. Mukherjee hugged him.

After the party, Adrian raised a toast and said, “Friends, I have named this ‘Ashabori Abasan’. Hope it is to your liking.” And there was a roar of appreciation. Then he called out names and each one was handed a key decked in rosewater. “…. Mr. Desai, Mr. Sengupta and now we come to the last floor,” his voice reaching a crescendo like an emcee. “The proud owner of Flat 701 is……..” and he created a comical suspense, “…. is Mr…… Adrian D’Souzaaa… I too need a home too.” Tumultous uproar and even the Mukherjees stood up and applauded. “Thank you, thank you. And now, for Flat 702. Please come Mrs. Mukherjee.” There was a stunned silence before a deafening roar again. The Mukherjees could not believe it when Adrian came to them and said, “Please do not say no Sir.”

And after that the Mukherjees had a wonderful ten years with the D Souzas as neighbors. They had two sons while the D’Souzas had one. Then, one winter, destiny struck when Mrs. Mukherjee was diagnosed of leukemia. Mr. Mukherjee was two years short of his retirement and his sons were in their engineering degrees at reputed institutions in the country. Despite that, he treated her in the best hospitals of the country. Her treatment proved expensive, but, his own esteem always stood in the way whenever Adrian, a successful architect by then, offered to help.

One night Adrian came to Mukherjee’s place with a lawyer. “Sir, I know that you will not take any financial help from me. So here is a deal. I will buy this flat from you and put it on lease to you. You can thereby use the money for Bhabiji’s treatment. I got a deed ready and you cannot say no to this.” After relentless coaxing Mukherjee read the deed. It said that the landlord was placing the property for a lease of five hundred rupees a month, for a period of fifteen years with no rental increased over the period whatsoever. At the end of the term, the lease terms would be negotiated with survivor from either parties. If however, the landlord did not have an heir, the property would be bequeathed to Mr. Sanatan Mukherjee, if still alive, in the event of Adrian D’Souza’s death. Mr. Mukherjee signed and received an amount of fifteen lakh rupees.

Despite that, he could not save his wife and two years later even Adrian left for his heavenly abode and was soon followed by his wife.

Reminiscent of the old days, Mr. Mukherjee wiped traces of tears from his spectacles when Kanti came with the tea. “Saab, I have prepared lunch and dinner.” And then she left.

After his sons had left pursuing their dollar dreams, Mr. Mukherjee had quite a sedentary lifestyle. After the morning paper was over, he did not have much to do. He had four sunflower pots perched on his balcony. He would dutifully water them twice a day and would sit talking to them for hours. Most of the time they would nod in agreement to whatever he had to say. And they always faced towards the sun. Their attitude would remind Mukherjee of his own son’s, who always wanted their face towards gleaming prosperity.

The D’Souza household was a different story altogether. Lawrence, Adrian’s only son had been in wrong company. Adrian caught him once with a vial and promptly sent him for a drug rehabilitation. But, he fled and had been carrying out odd jobs at various parts of the country. After Adrian’s death he settled in the city and would often visit the housing complex. He sold off his father’s flat and lost all the money at various slotting tables.

When he could sustain no more, he came to Mukherjee and asked him to increase his rent to market rates. Mukherjee had lost all he had for his wife’s treatment and his sons had newly ‘acquired’ wives of their own and in a deft cost cutting exercise had stalled dollar repatriation to the father. He found it difficult to make both ends meet, but he never complained. Increasing rents was an impossible proposition for him.

Lawrence tried several means. He would threaten Mukherjee with diar consequences. He would humiliate him in public saying that this was really impetuous of him to stay at the expenses of a neighbor. And the last few months had been relentless. Mukherjee had been unable to pay even the rent to Lawrence. Lawrence had come one night in an inebriated state and in his incomprehensible slur, had given Mukherjee a deadline of one week to settle everything or be prepared to be thrown out.

Mukherjee would face all this in stoic silence and then would return to his favorite sunflowers to regale his story, often accompanied by a couple of tear droplets.

In the course of the week, Mukerjee found for himself a small old age home meant for distressed old people like him. He was not expected to pay any money but, would obviously do odd work for a living which included teaching small children to washing utensils. There were some more people there and obviously the “paying” members made it clear that it was they who ran the show.

Mukherjee had resigned himself to fate, but his only matter of concern was his four pots of sunflowers. Who would take care of them? Whom would he leave them with? They were more than just plants to him. They were his family. Every year the summer sun would parch them and Mukherjee would sow seeds from the old plants to have a new plant the next winter. They had provided him the joy of creation and companionship.

Early next morning, the last day of the week, Mukherjee arose, sanguine enough to meet Lawrence, probably for the last time. He watered the plants and softly spoke to them about what he would do without them and where they might find their place. He muttered a small prayer for them.

Within half an hour Lawrence arrived as expected. The two had a heated discussion after which Mukherjee said, “Your father would have been ashamed of you today.” Lawrence swore at him and branded him a beggar. He tersely asked Mukherjee to vacate the place within the same day. As soon as Lawrence banged the door, Mr. Mukherjee was inconsolable. He fell on his bed and began to weep like a child.

Suddenly he heard a shriek of his maid outside. He rose as fast as his geriatric muscles could muster. He came to the balcony and looked down where Lawrence lay in a pool of blood, his skull in smithereens. Battered remnants of a flower pot lay at his side.

The remaining sunflowers swayed in the wind, approving…

Monday, January 08, 2007

Nominations for the first Haris Pilton Awards

Welcome to the first Haris Pilton Awards. In the following minutes we will read about some of the leading controversies that have made or broken 2006, and they form the coterie for the nominations for the first Haris Pilton Awards. So here comes the countdown in random order.

At number five we have Gulp Power. The genesis of a generation of dietary problems that our fathers have long warned against, multiplied when we suddenly found that certain pesticides were essential ingredients to make them yummier. To make matters worse a movie and a guru added fuel to fire. While the movie was far from being “Madhur” to the cause, the guru made Porter proud by finding a substitute in toilet cleaners. Potboiler stuff!!

At number four we have Two Hangs and one Ouch. The righteousness of capital punishment was questioned for the umpteenth time when one of the Parliament Bombers was awarded one, and negated when stains of conspiracy were found all over and for once our “favorite” Booker winner wrote for a cause which touched our hearts whatever be the motives. The other was for our dearest homicide friend who found his way to the galleys quite surreptitiously simply because our newly found “Nuclear” dad did not want the world to go into raptures. And, yes you were welcome with your mobile phone cameras to telecast to the world what actually the cliamx was. Hedonic!

At number three we have Delayed and Denied. In the manifold tales of Justice that never came and that which came when it was too late, there were quite a few climaxes. And the message that went out was party hard, shoot harder and never mind, Dads will settle matters. So people rampantly drove on sidewalks, shot at bars (never mind that these days even Bollywood movie stars do not understand Hindi!! blink! blink!) and even settled "big" deals at the expense of tax payers money. Eat, drink and be merry, as simple as that…

At number two we have the Land Band. Where industrialists suddenly looked upon poor Bengal to squeal in delight and say Hell this is just where we want to be. And the government found playing broker, a better occupation. The result was a huge furore and poor old "Agnikanya” (daughter of fire) going without food for 600 hours. The share of theatrics would not be forgotten with people trying to provide solace to “victims” even in an autorickshaw. The fact that generations to come would not find these in their Modern History textbooks is a pity.

At number one is undoubtedly Train Bang, the after effect of a dastardly act on train commuters in Mumbai. The 11th of July saw a series of blasts on the heart of the Mumbai commuting system. And the government retorted back with an equally defeaning response when it banned blogs all over India as being the “round table” where delirious rounds of devious destruction are strategized. I almost fell from my chair!

At number zero obviously is the Mother of all. Now we need to protect interests of our brethren who had not got their due for the last fifty years prior to independence. Not that we have been rather step motherly towards them, but, people in the echelons feel that we have not been caring enough. And hence we need to empower them with protective rights, and not only them, we need to be caring to the “better” ones since they are equally important in the vote battery and even the foreign ones, since they bring in the cash.

The nominations could run on and on but, this is a very select omnibus of incidents we could very well do without. You can chose your own set...

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Enlightenment

The last couple of weeks have been pure enlightenment for me. As in can you believe it that people have really been practicing what I have been preaching for so long. I mean look at the first instance. During my school days I had inculcated quite a habit of saluting our family deities right on the day of the examinations. They used to happen every Friday and the sudden surge of respect used to be quite “special” on Fridays (the day of the exams). My father used to say, “Faith does not come, one day a week. Its plain superstition” while I felt, who cares till the results keep coming! Long into college I realized the futility of the exercise although I firmly believed that I achieved whatever I did in school due to this and my exterminations in merit lists thereafter has been the slow dilution of this “faithful” superstition.

But, look at the world now. If Mulayam Singh wins this year’s UP assembly elections, you know who he has to praise. I mean, let life of humans go to hell (afterall they are routine activities anyway). How can you coerce someone to go to Noida / Nithari when you know fully well that rotten place is jinxed. I mean the poor guys lost his all important elections last time around since he went to Noida. And the point has been reiterated by not just him but, many more of his successors. Lousy, old, callous allegors.

I have always had a good taste for edible stuff and my more than portentous look is testimony to the fact that well although I have not survived on grabbing food from fellow diners, but “being well fed” is surely an understatement for me. And yes, all those experimental chefs out there, you can try your stuff on me, since I am just the right kind of person to appreciate a grand gourmet.

But lo and behold. I got competition now. My newest celebrity in town has a “taste for good non vegetarian cuisine" as well. With traces of flesh on his oven, the cops have been trying thick and fast to cover things up. But, the nexus between our very old Moninder, his aide and the harbingers of law have been laid quite well now. And who knows, our friend might have been sharing his “lip smacking snacks” with the high and dry of society. Burp!

My father has always had a pertinent question for me. What do you do for half an hour in the loo. The answer has always been a sheepish smile. And from there on, I have always been trying to bring it down to much more bearable limits (it is now!! Believe me!). And if you do not, then ask “Very Very Special” da. When the world was lost in the furore of the significance of 10.48 AM, our Special dada was having one of those tranquil moments which people like me and him cherish. Hope my dad understands now! Sigh!

And oh yes, who can forget my talent of foresight. During my college days, our first year was undoubtedly the most wonderful. That was because before we learnt the IIT lingo and got used to being “frust” in life, the analytical bug had helped us understand threadbare where the regional jingoism lies. So although it was not as fanatic as some that I have seen in many other institutions, we understood quite well where the loyalties would lie. Because most of my colleagues were from three important IITian breeding joints in the country: Hyderabad / Vizag, Bokaro / Patna and the ubiquitous Kota.

Hence, last week while commuting in our dear old Mumbai local, I found the glaring fonts from the Times of India heralding that the government had ratified that there would be three more IITs. And I knew where they would be. So when I checked it had to be Andhra Pradesh, Bihar and Rajasthan in that order.

And still you doubt that I am not just a mere mortal!! Buddha, I am here…..