India - This Week

The last week has been really painful for me. The reason being that the entire week was one big packaged deal of so many bloggable topics. So much so that I ended up thinking of writing on so many things and ended up writing about none. Each of these topics could not have been more diverse than the other, so here is an eclectic dosage of India this Week. You can take your pick.

1. Obviously the talk of the season has been Team India ’s T20 world cup triumph. The win of youth over geriatrics, the win of aggression over grace, brute force over elegance, the dark horse over the white stallions. There has been a lot of hullabaloo over the win. And since reams have already been spilled in newsprint, ad space and electronic ether waves, I dare not venture into the same. What I would like to carry out is a small mathematical analogy. India won the world cup after 24 years, and during the same duration the format of the game had come down from 60 overs to 20 that is by one-third. By the same progression, we would win the next world cup when the format is of 40 balls or after 72 years!!

2. Sticking to cricket, the next point in question obviously is the amount of money lavished as of now. The BCCI in the last one week has cumulatively spent thus:

Player Bonus 3 in USD mn
Exchange Rate 39.95
Player Bonus in INR mn 119.85

*all figures below in INR mn
DDCA rewards 0.5 (Amount per player) 2 (Number of players) 1 (Total Amount)
Baroda Cricket Association rewards 1.1 (Amount per player) 2 (Number of players) 2.2 (Total Amount)
Awards to support staff 1.5 (Amount per member) 5 (Number of members) 7.5 (Total Amount)

Grade A players 6 (Amount per player) 8 (Number of players) 48 (Total Amount)
Grade B players 4 (Amount per player) 8 (Number of players) 32 (Total Amount)
Grade C players 2.5 (Amount per player) 7 (Number of players) 17.5 (Total Amount)
Grade D players 1.5 (Amount per player) 11 (Number of players) 16.5 (Total Amount)

New domestic league 1 USD mn
New international league 3 USD mn
Total league prize in INR mn 479.4

Reception spent estimate 30 in Rs. mn (conservative)
Sundry expenses 20 in Rs. mn
Total amount spent 773.95 in Rs. mn

Despite the above we remain apathetical about a professional audit of the BCCI and the infrastructure provided at grounds, which incidentally remain government property, but still ICL remain lolling for a playing arena.

And it is this enormous spending power that makes it the beehive of politicos and that other sports continue to remain in the lurch.

3. Having seen the monetary and perk gains being showered on the cricket players, the hockey players of India have threatened to go on hunger strike. Going by the success of the Khan-dani movie on India’s nom de plume national sport, Chak de India was supposed to be doing wonders for hockey and I was quite flabbergasted when I saw enthusiastically colleagues exchanging notes on timings when the final would be aired on DD Sports. But, sadly the bouquets of Chak de India on screen has soon turned out to be Cheque de India off screen after the T20 world cup. And though one Khan changed loyalties about the sport, the other Khan (our cricketing icon) was never seen around anything concerning cricket. The capitalizing act was carried out by State Bank of India when they announced rewards of 5 lacs each for the players who won the Asia Cup for us, stamping firmly that "step fathers" are better than "step mothers". The Karnataka CM was cheeky enough to say that the same frenzied praise would be lauded on the hockey players if they win the world cup, only to find that party politicism and dynastic tussle might find him out of his chair come October 3.

4. The T20 world cup brought into limelight that well and truly the US auto industry is on its last legs. Rudra Pratap Singh was presented with a Mercedes Benz by the UP government and Yuvraj Singh by a Porsche, the pole stars from the repositories of Europe. The question more pertinent to Mr. Lalit Modi, on the day India won the finals from the news – starved media goes thus:
Q: Sir, do you think that Yuvraj would get into a similar financial imbroglio with the customs department owing to this auto – benevolence showered by you, as Sachin was with his Ferrari?
A: No, it is a legally imported car.
Q: Sir, has the car already been imported?
A: Yes. But I will not disclose where it is parked and what is its color.
This country just does not have any transparency!

5. In more occasions than not, the time T20 world cup had turned into a war between families and that between professions, as Dickens would have put it, the best of times as well as the worst of times. Come to think of it, within my recallable past it was probably the first time that brothers crossed arms when you had the McCullum brothers (Brendon and Nathan) from New Zealand locked in battle with the Morkel brethren (Abie and Morkel). The Pathan brothers were not to be missed out either, while the Chappel brothers made news on Indian soil outside the playing arena. Greg found the shorter entry into India, by mesmerizing the Rajasthan Cricket Board to take up an advisory position (yes the same board where the Porsches are raining from their top bosses) and Ian was in the merry company of Mr. Bhogle.

Probably after a very long time you had both teams on the field with both their captains being their wicket keepers when India and Australia met for the semi finals with Gilchrist and Dhoni leading.

For the first time you had seen a father and son involved in the same tournament, Stuart Broad as the hapless bowler for England being hit for six sixes (people on this part of the planet has started calling him Chakka by love) and father Chris, the match referee.

And way back in India the father and son story took a different turn when Rohan Gavaskar pledged his allegiance to the Indian Cricket League while father Sunil would continue be the torch bearer for BCCI; family finger in every pie, ahem!

6. Speaking of the Indian Cricket League (ICL), the image of Subhash Chandra and Kapil Dev took a tinge of tarnish when they had to postpone their proposed twenty 20 league by a few days. Experts believed that this was owing to a superb counterattack by the BCCI which included:
a. A new format domestic twenty 20 schedule with huge amounts of money at stake
b. A glittering launch of an international twenty 20 league with amount of money and sponsors unheard of in Indian sports (barring when Mr. Mallya speaks of his F1 dreams)
c. And a superbly mechanized twenty 20 world cup, culminating in the charge of the light brigade and an Indian win by which BCCI by one masterstroke has been able to eradicate the threats of the ICL, the big three of Indian cricket, and keeping the mast of the Mumbai lobby high and flying.
So sit back and enjoy, the best is yet to come! In a blitzkreig interview with the enigmatic Karan Thapar, Kapil emphatically announced that paucity of sponsors was never a factor and if Karan would only bother to hear himself asking, he was not to fall in for his bouncer this time, because unlike the last time, he would not be caught shedding tears on primetime and was well armed with a state of the art, spanking new RayBan with sun shield. If you still think that ICL is starved for sponsors think otherwise, for the product placements have started. Not to forget that Kapil was there even judging the singers at Saregamapa, as the huge hit cheerleaders at T20 have shown, cricket and music go hand in hand, and their attires boldly pronounced that Anil "Mobile" Dhirubhai Ambani have come a very very long way from his textiles business.

7. Not forgetting how we have been star struck by Prashant Tamang, the newest heartthrob in town. The build up to the finale of Indian Idol was sensational especially by the crowd cover, and the celebrity presence in Shillong and Darjeeling. The aftermath turned out to be even more dramatic when a radio jockey unintentionally turned derogatory although what he actually meant was disbelief that from now on who would turn out and say “ShaabZee!” if you have the Tamangs turning into Indian Idols. And by popular belief we have spent humungous amount of air time as well as energy of frenzied riotous people simply because the nuclear treaty, Sunita Williams and the Gandhi-Quattrochi connections on prime time news was not interesting enough.

8. Last but not the least, the victory march that the victorious Indian Team undertook at Mumbai, which held the commuter traffic at ransom. So when Dhoni arose on the dias to say, “Mumbai never sleeps, but we brought the city at a standstill today,” there were almost as many number of voices outside the packed Wankhede stadium as inside who administered grudgingly, “Haram ke pille, office ke liye late karwa diya!”

9. And obviously for the first time in the history of mankind, Contramental goes commercial. So from now on, you have advertisements on the page courtsey Google Adsense (at the bottom). With so much money pouring all over, even I could not say no. Sob! Sob! But promise, if even a single penny pours in from anywhere owing to me, I will promptly declare to my tax authorities.

Nubility and identity crisis

Eventually I found myself on the net. An alter ego, an eager twin. Check for yourself, but please do not come running back to me for veracity!!

Though the resemblances are quite startling. Built – heavy, an understatement; but, I like the liberal approach the creator has adopted. After all where do you find such non-partisan outlook these days. And the paycheck, ahem! Impresses me.

If somebody did take the pains to create this profile, the only thing I can provide is my heartfelt gratitude for all the effort.

Pet Talk

Before I came to this city called Mumbai, I had believed that the word “perched” could apply to birds and not to humans. After more than two years in the city, I have changed my notions. Mumbai inhabitation has completely changed my ideas on etymology. Vantage points would now surely mean watching the street brawl from the comforts of my balcony, gently sipping on a cup of steaming tea. And yes, apartmental lives are commonplace so that we can easily perch ourselves in our lofts, the connection with soil being minimal (In this context, as of now I would not venture into the bone of contention of all Maharashtrian poltico, the son of the soil versus the rest, when the son and the rest rarely get in touch with the soil, but for now that is another matter.)

Recently I had a small conversation with a shop owner at the basement of my building, specializing in canine and bovine pet care and one who also trades in pets. I raised the eternal doubt in my mind. For days on end while trudging towards the station, I had always seen that there were always one or the other dog tied to the front of the shop. The one in question today was a cute one with its stomach almost touching the ground. My knowledge of dog breeds is as authentic as my ability to cook a full course Bohemian cuisine (don’t Google for that).

“Do these really get sold?” I asked impertently. What a question to ask! But seriously speaking if you could have seen his way of life, the cars, the regular upgrades at the shop, the ready availability for cash whenever you asked for change to pay the cabby (I did go in once, and he readily handed me five hundreds to me, and hence, encouraged by his love to part with change – a real noble he is who deserved to be kissed on the hand as far as changes are concerned – I have gone in again and again and again to the point that he has almost become my captive money changer.) you could say that he wasn’t doing too badly. “Yes son, they do. And people do not mind a fortune paying for them. The fact is that I do not have any complaints as far as love and caring goes. Most people who take them and provide them a home, give them the right kind of care and love. But the fact is that Mumbaiites' contact with the soil is diminishing by the day and it really takes a toll on their pets. They are really not tailor made for apartment living. They need freedom, a connect with the shrubs, soil, the mud, water. The only time you can see them is during their excretory routines.”

“But don’t you tell the buyers, all these things?” I asked. “I do to most people who are really emotional about their pets. Because I can tell you this really reduces their life span by almost a quarter, but then, this is my trade. To most of the people whom I happily sell are those who own weekend getaways at nearby places.”

“You really like animals. Why don’t you get a pet for yourself?” I asked him.

“I have one. This is the link to get information on my pet. I have adopted one here, for life. Why even you can get one.” he said

Cheap tales

Engineering and management education imparts three facets in human beings.
1. Ability to sleep off on any kind of ‘platform’ (in strict buccaneered sense of the term)
2. Survival based on caffeine and nicotine (it’s a slow promotion up the value chain, from counters and cheap versions to the eclectic ones)
3. Ability to find entertainment during pressure hours at the behest of others or where there is none.

And true to the spirit of the above, while banging one’s head over loads of shit pellets, collectively called an Information Memorandum in Investment Banking circles, a colleague of mine came up with his weird sense of humor and cuppa of coffee (for axiom see above).

“Do you want a change of job?” he asked. “Difficult question. Only if it pays twice as much for half the work.” I wondered. “Why else should I ask you. Its ten times the remuneration for less than one tenth the work.” Time to sit up and take notice, but the safer bet is to redirect such stuff to people who will take the bait. But he insisted (I hate these sales people, they can convince you to bit anything. Last year he had asked a promoter of auto plastics to get into contraceptives manufacture with his crap on forward integration, but don’t even bother to get into that). And then he showed me this.

For the better part of the night, we got serious. For bettering the scene of Indian cricket we had to sacrifice this much. Come to think of it, the richest cricket board of cricket in the world had to resort to the ICC website for a job posting. It was like an investment banking job vacancy on the SEBI website, would surely elicit pity from people like us who love the game. And to think of it further, we have been deserted like orphans on the street by people who found their broadcasting jobs more lucrative, much like the foreign firm appointed consultants who would not look at a domestic merchant banking profession.

So what exactly does the job entail. Quagmired by the lack of an accounting system, BCCI is grappling to make the East and West meet. With two of its foremost pillars shaken under embezzlement of funds and on top of that appointing consultants to enquire into matters, was really the right way to go about it.

We decided that we would not be the only one to be employed. We would bring along with us a top class support team, who would deal with thinking hats (I have a colour code of eight, including ones for drunken revelry, impressing fairer citizens of other countries), create healthy rivalry among players (which would include maligning captains, instigating media and strategizing newer ways of defeat from the verges of victory), and obviously rigorously keeping accounts of all such travesties only to tamper with evidential diaries in full glare of the media.

Although I agree that we do not have a level III coaching accreditation from Cricket Australia or England, but how much time does it take to get one. Experience in coaching elite cricketers is obtained by starting to coach them. Its always a start for everything. We win hands down as far as our candidature stands in terms of basic IT skills to operate match analysis (I can sing lullabys with an excel sheet), basic knowledge of Indian cricket (Would even know the names of people who got Dada hit wicket on the streets of Behala) and Indian culture (I know for sure that dance bars are out, they are cheap and sleazy and have been substituted by better and bigger things), sports science and medicine (I know by experience that you could do well to sneeze when caught with a Kookaburra without an ab-guard), capability of handling team under high pressure (have already prepared a complex iterative program to charge which benefactor at what odds when the situation of the game changes. People often call them bookies, but they are a net contributor of our GDP in the strict economic sense of the term. Speaks of my IT skills as well.). I have always been lauded for my keen understanding of video technology since my college days when I could create anatomical magic out of archived videos of college mates and I can vouch that I would mug out each punctuation marks that Mike Brearley writes out of his coaching manuals.

As I dialed out the number figured out on the website I had a numbing feeling as I read the following headlines (BCCI on back foot as MRTPC bowls bouncers). Actually it is not bad to have a comparative benefits-efforts analysis before taking a plunge. “Dude, do you have the Zee board numbers?” I asked.