Quarter Update - Things Have Changed

Apologies to regular visitors here for not being able to “feed” them for quite some time. I will not try to promise to be more regular and neither will I say that there were really no interesting things to write on. But simply the fact that there were more engrossing things to do. Read on to understand:

I had chickened out with pox which had severely dotted my sexy image to the exterior world. During the time, I did many constructive things while in bed. In a perfect concoction of what Pavlov and Leibnitz might have wanted to do together had they ever met, I (while on my back) traced the perfect trajectory of the spider as it wove its web from the center of my ceiling fan to the farthest corner of the ceiling and moved surreptitiously from one point to another for prey or for a stroll. I have been able to frame an ultimate equation that seems to model the trajectory the spider would take with the independent variable being the taste of the prey, its size and the spider’s apetite. It would be a complex stiff partial differential equation with probabilistic inputs depending on data that one can provide for historic locomotion of similar species of spider and would then help determine the invariate by a hypo planar extrapolation of stochastic movements that the web might make while the spider moves. Uff!

While I was on this I could suddenly hear a 19th century guitar work named “Gran Vals” by Spanish musician Francisco Trega (my phone). “Hello! (my consultant friend). Dude where have you been?”

“Yaar had been to Egypt and now I am in a mess.”
“Why? Whats wrong? All fine?” I sounded concerned.

“No. Let me explain.” And the story went thus (in his very own narration).

“While I was on my flight back from Egypt, somewhere in mid April, I met Manpreet – a senior consultant in the same organization that I work for who had been to Cairo for a long term project. We got chatting where we figured out that she would be in my office from now on. For the next 15 days we got conversing for quite some time everyday. We would catch up on lunch, take the same cab home and converse on a many things. Manpreet is a typical Punjabi female, cherubic and deadly, industrious and psychopathic – in short a blend of contrasts. Her first conversation with a third person in my presence happened to be with a hapless cab driver, “Pend di take, meter chalata hain? Teinu meter @#$%^$%&&$$... Inne ghumake chamaat lagaungi &&(^%$$^&*%$...” And more.

In the conversations that ensued she had answers to all my questions for typical Punjabi updates(you see we poor Bengalis are quite myopic in our sense of color – we see only red, diet – a meal without carbs is not a meal, professionalism – if you do not have intellectual orgasms everyday, you aren’t really good about your job, culture – I really am a misfit at this, I haven’t ever smooched on the steps of Rabindra Sadan, had diet coffees at College Street, conversed on the qualms of Stalinism in a rapidly capitalism obsessed world, what an outright misfit!).

My Questions (MQ): Why is Amarinder Singh being mired now?
Her Answer (HA): Oh you see he was Captain and he got himself land and property which was more than what he could earn. You know he should have procured diamond boots (see what dear Amma did) but this is what is called Sardari genes. As in there arent enough clandestine ways of getting things done, damn fool! (Awesome)

MQ: Why the hapless situation of Indian hockey, is KPS Gill really at fault?
HA: Yes totally. He should have stuck to the immortal Munnabhai line – ye le wallet ya ye le bullet and no cameras please. He tried to calm his own USP. And get the ladies man! I know its tough after the bureaucracy is after you given your inebriated binge at parties but you cant just let players go and pursue MBAs to steal our jobs. (You sweet little pie)

MQ: Should an ex election commissioner really become a minister (and more so get box seats at epic Wimbledon finals, why am I not a Sardar!)
HA: Of course. Once you know the rules you can easily find ways about it. Don’t worry I will get you an Ana Ivanovich match ticket for the next time. I am working hard. (Tongue rolls out)

MQ: Why people who are shopping imprison their fans in mall loos and why should people stop trains for that? What is exactly the Sacha Sauda?
HA: You don’t really know what people shop for these days. What if I was looking for batteries for my semi automatic kirpan? Its pity that most females do not carry one. Sacha Sauda looks to be a new shopping technique, bargain well while you purchase. (Ahem)

MQ: Why is the MNS not pointing their tirade at Sardars too?
HA: Oh you know why. Because then there wont be any son of the soil abroad who could even expect some homely food or transport for that matter. Silly you pend di! (Ya of course how silly of me)

And to top it all my own ego is in tatters. I have no answers to any of her questions:

Her Question (HQ): (while munching on popcorn at my apartment while lazily browsing through channels) Why do a computer graphics trainers and daughters of lingerie brand owners don’t go together? Is it caste based politics or professional rivalry?
My Answer (MA): Wow have you seen the new Audi jacket on today’s times of India?

HQ: (again the same, this time just achar and diet kulcha – steam emanating from my head) Why do you think the 123 agreement is really a bone of contention? Do you think its because fusion technology is getting obsolete? If we are concerned about Uranium why don’t we use old techniques to convert isotopes U237 to U235 and use as fuel? Why do you think foreign policy is more important than economic policy for the reds?
MA: Yeah they should be more subjective about the safety accord. Ahem

HQ: (browsing through the latest Business India) Do you think it’s a good idea to have both the JLR and the Nano on the same company portfolio? Whats the issue at Singur? They should ask for employment for people there shouldn’t they? The MNS does the same – only this time there are serious esoteric but sentimental and sensible economic reasons? (to herself) God knows where this inflation will take people to!
MA: Did you go to Fabmall? Why didn’t you take me along?

HQ: (and as we saw the Kolkata Knight Riders being butchered at Wankhede in front of a partisan crowd) (Even Sardars are sympathetic to Bengalis considering what Mr. Tagore declined in protest for Jalianwallabag) Why does Dada not stoop enough to pick the ball? How does he expect to get into the ODI team with this kind of a performance? (Shouting at the top of her voice) “C’mon Dada! Buck up!!” as the scoreboard proclaims (Fastest 50 in IPL by Mumbai Indians and the buccaneering crowd jeers at her). “Abe chup reh pend de take”, she retorts back at the crowd.
MA: (Sheepishly looked around)

While she haled whiffing cabs on the Marine Drive some of the more sympathetic crowd came up to her and said “Tough luck.” “O ji koi nahi, agli baar dekh lenge, ” And then she turns to me and says: “Agli baar amne same milenge finals mein Shahrukh teri taraf, o ji Preity meri taraf!”

As a cab screeches to a halt I have my first answer, “Arre agli baar sath baithke, same team ke taraf se nahi dekh sakte kya? And anyways theres seems to be lots to discuss throughout life.”

The marriage is on 26 February 2009, well in time for the IPL (you know a timid Bengali heritage and a belligerent Punjabi brigade were being taken care of) and all are cordially invited.

The problem is I might not be able to do the Ana Ivanovich match leering with you now. (Sigh)”

(Sigh) Once a traitor, always a traitor. "Dude, but they really hiked the airfares big time. Crude seems heading 200! So....."